I am slowly coming to terms with the complications that have developed in my pregnancy. It's funny, because up until a few days ago, while breathing through contractions, I told family and friends that I'm thankful that I have it so easy.
But I'm realizing that what I've faced and am still facing really is a challenge. I think I’ve been afraid to face the fear that is so real. I told myself and others that I wasn’t scared. But today, I’m letting myself worry about my baby. I’m letting myself be frustrated with my situation.
Since the end of January, I have been to Labor and Delivery 11 times for preterm labor. I am now on a high dose of medication that I have to take around the clock, including throughout the night, to help regulate my contractions. It still hasn't completely stopped them. I'm having contractions as I type this, because I'm sitting up. They've become a bit painful over the last week, so the medication is barely keeping them controlled. Baby girl has been doing well so far, but now there are some concerns about her health. As a result, I have to go to the hospital twice a week for NSTs, plus get an ultrasound every week to check on her. Every time I see my doctor, which is very often, there's a new complication that we must discuss, a new test, a new treatment... What I keep waiting for is a plan. If you know me, you know I’m a planner! However, as of now, a plan is pointless. Nothing is certain. She can come at any time. And it's still too early.
But this is my new normal.
Realizing and accepting that this is my temporary new normal helps me cope. I get out of bed every morning, get some coffee and breakfast, and spend my day on the couch. I've taught myself how to knit, and I'm watching a few shows on Netflix. I’m trying to read here and there, but the meds make me dizzy so it’s hard to focus. I know that in a few weeks, I will be able to get off this couch, hold my baby girl in my arms, and begin a chapter of my life that I'm so terrified of but yearn for. And it’s all part of a new normal - suddenly I have to live life one day at a time.
In three weeks, my doctor will potentially let me stop taking the medication and take me off bed rest (I would jump up and down about this if I could). I’m SO looking forward to being able to get up and get some organizing done to prepare for her arrival, and maybe go out and get a pedicure! However, I know that after I stop taking my meds, I could potentially go into labor. It could be hours, days, or weeks after my last pill. Again, no plan. And when she comes, preemie or not, I know new challenges will arise.
I love this baby SO much. This could be my “mom instinct” kicking in, but I worry about her well-being at every second of every day. I pray that she isn’t born too early. I pray that she’s big enough when she’s born, and that she doesn’t have any problems with eating or breathing. I pray that God gives me the strength through each obstacle, whether it concerns her health or mine. I pray for patience.
It's hard. Every moment of this is hard. I'm praying through the difficult moments and talking it out and praying about it with Mgo.
And once a day, I sit in her room.
With my hands on my growing, moving belly, I let my mind wander and imagine our life with this gift, this little girl, who I feel will bring us immense joy and inspire us beyond anything else in this world.